This past weekend's superbowl did not live up to its buildup. It was a boring, noncompetitive game that was massively hyped up and could have been turned off before halftime. The odds going into the game had the teams within a point. But of course, no one knows in advance the quality of the game and as with any sports game, the outcome can never be predicted with certainty. The experience can range from overwhelming excitement to a total bore. Victory and defeat can be determined only once the two opponents actually face each other and I suppose this unpredictability is what makes sports so much fun to follow. But, the game is not what I wanted to write about.
There was a commercial that struck me (to watch, google "I am Somebody" superbowl ad). It showed a series of pictures with an adult and 10-20 children. The adult would say "I am somebody" and the kids would repeat the line. I suppose the message is to give each child, regardless of looks, race, ability, sex, the notion that they are individually special and he/she should feel self-worth/pride regardless of their external characteristics. A valuable message.
But intermingled with the "I am Somebody" segments there was a part which proclaimed "I Must be Respected" and all the kids responded as such. This seemed troubling to me as there is a significant difference between the "somebody" message and the "respected" message. The "somebody" message is one that can be felt internally and it represents how one learns to feel about themselves, to define and be proud of oneself. It is not dependent on others bestowing upon me.
OTOH, the "respected" message is completely dependent on someone else's feelings towards me. This is a terrible message as respect is completely beyond my control to influence. It relies on someone else's feelings, biases, and notions. Of course, everyone deserves a certain level of respect. But, the ad suggests equivalence of "I am Somebody" to "I Must be Respected". The message, that my identity is defined by someone else's opinion/respect towards me, is dangerous. Does not being respected mean I am lacking in some way? If I am not respected then what is my recourse? How do i get someone else to respect me? Can I retaliate against them since they harmed me by not respecting me? Does it justify becoming physical?
Respect is synonymous with honor as it relies on someone else's bestowing it upon me. I cannot honor/respect myself. Honor/respect is bestowed by others, while conversely, pride is how I feel about myself and exists regardless of others opinions. The "Somebody" message is about pride while the "Respected" message is about honor. I can effect pride, but I cannot effect honor if its reliant on an external force.
Honor's counterpart is shame, while pride's counterpart is guilt. Honor/shame are externally generated and can only be effected by changing others actions and beliefs. Conversely. pride/guilt are self-generated and can be generated and dealt within oneself. I will have more to say about people and societies that are honor/shame based vs ones that are pride/guilt based. It explains many of todays ills.
Ultimately the message we need to send to both children and adults is one that teaches them to define themselves based on their own self-image rather than to depend on others image of them to achieve their self worth. "I am somebody" is the right way. "I must be respected" is destructive.
(refer to Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, "The Difference between Shame and Guilt Cultures" November 4, 2014)
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