C'mon People

Why I have no patience for some patients.

The patient who comes in repeatedly for sore throat and smokes two packs of cigarettes per day. They complain that I am not helping them even though the source for their problem is those damn cigarettes and refuses to stop.

The patient who leaves a message for me to call them back on their cell phone and when I do has a five minute musical introduction before I can get them. I don't have the time and i don't want to hear your rendition of music.

The patient who weighs over three hundred pounds and comes in and complains of difficulty swallowing. Hello?

The patient who has chronic nasal congestion, went for allergy testing and was found to be allergic to cats. I ask if they have a cat and they respond absolutely. What do you want from me? Ditch the cat.

The patient who has an ear full of wax and swears either that they don't use q-tips or barely put them in their ears. The only way the wax can get so impacted is by jamming those suckers so it almost comes out the other side.

The parent who comes in with a morbidly obese child and complains the child cannot breath at night. Try losing a couple of those chins and maybe they will breath better.

If the doctor asks you how long a symptom has been present do not answer "for a while". I don't know if that is five minutes or five years.

If you are coming to see the doctor for an abnormality on a test or imaging study ordered by another doctor, bring the result or study with you. My crystal ball is malfunctioning.

If you do not speak English, bring a translator with you. Otherwise, it is as if the doc is a veterinarian.

Do not feed your child immediately prior coming to see the doctor for a throat problem (guaranteed to vomit it all over the floor). Especially colored candy which causes the entire mouth to turn red or purple.

Don't come to the doctors office two hours before your appointment and then complain that you have to wait. It is not fair to see you early and then make everyone after you wait.

Do come in 15 minutes before your appointment, especially if you are a new patient to fill out the necessary papers.

I understand for some retired folk the visit to the doc is their one activity for the day. Do not expect the doc to spend additional time with you just to make that singular activity make the day pass.

If you are coming in for a problem in the neck, do not wear a turtle neck.

Medicine is not like the show Grey's Anatomy. I do not live in the hospital. I do not have sexual relations with residents and nurses. I have a family just like you and I don't like to be called in the middle of the night.

If you have a medical problem do not wait until a holiday to call the doctor. Take care of it during normal business hours. I have received too many calls on holidays with medical problems that were existing for days prior which could have and should have been addressed earlier.

Don't call me for a refill of your pain meds on nights and weekends. I will not fill them and any doc that does is inviting trouble. Btw, we have caught on to the trick of calling for medications after hours so you can avoid paying the copay.

I realize that a similar list could probably be constructed about patient complaints against doctors. But c'mon people, get real.